In a recent report, researchers at Liverpool University voiced some concern about the misbehaviour of people over the age of 65 in the UK. The cause of their disquiet was an increase in the incidence of sexually transmitted disease in the elderly population. If the word ‘elderly’ distresses you, I should point out that in medical terms, ‘geriatric’ refers to anybody over the age of 55, which is pretty bad news for me.

The figures were quite intriguing, but a bit problematic. There has been a 5% increase in STDs in men over the age of 65. However for women, the number was only 3%. That suggests there are a few women out there having a pretty wild time.

The researchers put this down to what they call the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey Effect.’ I’m not falling for that. No man I know has been able to read all the way through that piece of tripe. As ever, we also have a problem with not knowing sample size, baseline incidence, all the stuff I usually bang on about.

But let’s assume the figures are correct. What better way to embarrass your children than to admit you have a problem? Children are notoriously cagey about the whole idea of their parents having had sex. They know it at a rational level, or they wouldn’t be alive, but the whole idea of parents having sex makes the average child go, ‘Ewww.’

How do you think they’re going to feel when you phone them up and tell them that you have an STD? I suspect they might opt for plastic surgery, get a false passport, and flee the country to South America.

Me? I find the news rather heartening. Hope for me yet.