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I don’t know why, but this post from this day last year continues to keep appearing in my stats.


Last week on FB, Renee and I, with a few contributions from others, who wondered if we’d lost our sanity, were discussing bad chat up lines/requests for sex.

We had the expected Aussie chat up line.

‘Are you awake, Sheila?’

The Liverpudlian chat up line.

‘Hey girl, yer shirt’s coming untucked.’

‘No it’s not.’

‘It is yer know, I’ve made my mind up.’

And so on.

As per usual, I couldn’t leave well enough alone. I began to stray into my usual fantasy world, and to think of how members of the animal kingdom might indicate they’re desirous of sexual congress. In all cases these are the male of the species. Some of you may find some of these mildly offensive. I can only live in hope.

Mayfly I don’t give a s*** if you’ve got a headache

Praying mantis (or black widow spider) Take yer teeth out gel

Appalachian hillbilly I knows yer ma sister. Didn’t bother momma and poppa none

Porcupine/hedgehog  I love it when you shave

Giant clam Mmff. Mmff mmff mmff mmff mmff?

Dolphin EEEEEEEooooooooo. Ick ick ick ickity ick? Ickkity? OooooooEeeeeeeee?

English landed gentry I say, old stick. I’m feeling a bit fruity. Any chance of a bit of rumpypumpy?

Electric catfish Put the Rabbit away. I’m the only thing with batteries you’ll need tonight, babe

Tortoise You can hide but you can’t run, my love

Eel God, I’m so WET. And so are you

Ostrich Just stick your head in the sand and think of the Empire

Zebra I know you’re an antelope, but I’ve always wanted an okapi for a daughter

Quagga Hello? Anybody there? Anyone? Please? Anyone……

Angler fish/firefly Let’s put the lights off. I like it in the dark

Earthworm Have I got the right end here?

Welshman Baaaaa. Baaaaaa.

Peacock (Note. You have to sing this for it to work) Ooo, shake a tail feather, shake a tail feather, oo oo

Woodworm So I’m boring am I? I’ll show you something about boring you won’t forget in a hurry